How to Rebuild Trust. Addiction and Relationships with Heidi Rain
Rebuilding Trust after Betrayal Trauma: Addiction and relationships With Heidi Rain
Trust is a complicated thing. Especially in the world of addiction and recovery.
Once an addict or alcoholic starts the road to recovery, they expect you to TRUST them as if nothing ever happened.
But the truth is, A LOT has happened. And it’s created trauma within you. Betrayal Trauma.
If love were a house, trust would be the foundation.
You can try and remodel everything else, all you want, you can hang new curtains, get new furniture, rip out kitchen cabinets and get new, you can even lay brand new beautiful floors. But if the foundation is cracked, it will all fall to pieces all over again.
Maybe the addict or alcoholic in your life says things like, “If this is going to work, you have to trust me.”
“You can’t live in the past.” “You have to let it go.”
“If you’re not going to trust me, why did I even get sober?”
“I’ll never do that to you again.”
“I promise I have changed.”
“Things are different now. I am different now.”
They desperately want you to act like nothing’s happened.
But in fact, you are like the victim of a beloved family dog who ripped into your face and sent you for stitches who now expects you to cuddle up in bed.
NOT SO EASY.
You have lasting fear.
I want to unpack this with you.
I’ve been helping families restore their relationships for two decades and I’ve discovered there IS a process and a system to trust.
There are 3 steps.
Step 1 is to know the whole truth.
This may be controversial. Many believe amends are in order except when it could cause more harm to come clean.
But I find that people in recovery abuse this idea and decide sharing anything with you about the past will cause more harm, so they continue to keep secrets and tell lies. But YOU know there’s more to the tory. And you want to know the whole truth.
Knowing the whole truth helps you to walk back into the relationship with eyes wide open. When you don’t know the truth, you continue to deal in the dark.
Why is it so important for you to know?
So, you can CHOOSE.
If you don’t know all the facts, how the Hell can you agree to stay signed up?
The one in recovery needs to confess. They need to be radically transparent and truthful about what happened.
This work is best done with a sherpa. Someone who knows the path and can see the truth and who takes a stand with you for tough but necessary conversations. I’d like to be that person for you. You can consult with me at www.heidirain.com .
Hiding the truth, even when you think it may be hurtful to another person is manipulation. Period.
Step 2 is to understand the impact of the past on your current relationship.
As a partner of an addict or alcoholic, you have TRAUMA. It’s as if you have been a victim in someone else’s internal war and you have significant shrapnel.
But now, you are simply expected to move on. To forgive.
You may be hearing from your partner, “You need to forgive?”
How the Hell do you do that?
You need to understand first how you have been impacted.
When I work with couples, we take time to discover how you have been hurt and how that affects you today. Life changes when you’re able to be heard, validated, and respected.
You need a safe space to speak your truth about what you’ve been through. I can provide that for you.
Step three is to understand the nature of TRUST as a triad.
The base of the triangle is trust of Self.
While the other two sides are trust of Others and trust in Your God.
All of us need to start with TRUST of self.
You, as the survivor of addicted narcissistic abuse (that’s what being in a relationship with an addict creates), do NOT trust yourself anymore.
You doubt your own judgment all of the time. And it’s not your fault. Continued gaslighting, guilting, and manipulation have done the trick.
So, you must first work on rebuilding your trust in yourself, in your INTUITION.
That takes work and practice. Inside of my Toxic Relationship Recovery Course, you learn exactly how to do that.
It’s a step by step system to heal form the Trauma addiction creates in it’s victims.
The addict or alcoholic ASLO need to trust SELF first.
How can an addict or alcoholic in recovery expect you to trust they won’t hurt you again when they can’t trust they won’t hurt themselves again?
They cannot.
So, a good answer for you when the addict, says, “You have to trust me!”
Is to say, “I will trust you not to hurt me when you can trust you not to hurt yourself. If you can’t trust yourself to have your OWN best interest at heart, how can you possibly look out for me?”
This process is one that takes time.
After that, you learn to trust in a God of your understanding.
MANY addicts, alcoholics lack a true relationship with a God of their understanding.
They feel betrayed by God. They have trust issues with God.
Maybe you do too.
This work is the next step.
Inside of our retreats, my husband and I aim to create safe space for you to explore your relationship with your higher power. We invite you to connect and learn to cultivate trust. You can find out more about our retreats here.
The final component of the triad is trust in Others.
But if you work on the first two, the last will be more automatic.
You’ll have your divine intuition as your guide, and you’ll have a level of nonnegotiable trust from WITHIN that will prevent you from making continual misjudgments.
I want this for you. I can help you with all of this. You can find me at www.heidirain.com
With love,
Heidi Rain
